Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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