I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
