remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
