in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
