It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
