he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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