false alarm. still invincible.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
