so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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