Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
