Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
