Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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