you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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