I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
