dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
