he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
