I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
