Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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