My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
