hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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