I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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