Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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