If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
