Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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