Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
