I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Randomize
