remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Randomize
