batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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