Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
