Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Randomize
