I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Dick very happy bro
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
