Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
