at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
