so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
