if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
