Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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