Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
