You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
