I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
