So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
