So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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