I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
