Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Mom said you looked used
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
