im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I need moral support for this bender
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
