well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
