What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Drake has all the answers
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
