Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
