I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
