her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Randomize
