Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Why is your signature on my underwear?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
