In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Randomize
