I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
